How do I know if my partner is the 'The One'?

The simple answer, in the vast majority of cases, is they are if you treat them as though they are. 

Sure it may not feel as though they are when you are fighting and feeling disillusioned. And you may not feel inclined to treat your partner as ‘the one’ if they are not treating you with the respect you crave. You may look outside your relationship and see the potential for something more and wonder whether it is really worth staying. Why stay in a relationship that is causing more pain than joy?

There is a reason, and here’s why. When we search for a partner we think we are looking for someone compatible, but in reality we are actually looking for someone incompatible. I mean sure, we want some amount of compatibility, but unconsciously we are looking for somebody that we are incompatible with in certain important areas.

Now why on earth would we want to find someone incompatible? Well, I believe that we are all growth seeking creatures, and deep down within us is a desire to be the best and most complete version of ourselves that we can possibly be. Unconsciously there is a drive within us to release those parts of us that we have kept hidden away. A partner that has these qualities will be very attractive to us, and that is what provides the spark that brings us together. But it can also quite easily tear us apart. 

    “We think we are searching for someone compatible, but in actual fact we are searching for someone incompatible”

It is those characteristics of our partner that are driving us crazy that are actually what attracted us to them in the first place, and provide us with an opportunity to learn and grow. However, consciously we tend to be very resistant to change, and instead of working with each other to grow ourselves and our relationship, we begin to blame our partner for not being more like us. This leads us to placing our stake in the ground and declaring that we’re not moving until our partner does first, creating a downward spiral into frustration and resentment. 

So, what can you do to release those frustrations and get out of the negative patterns that are causing issues in your relationship? Here are a few suggestions:

  • Instead of focusing on your partner, begin to focus on yourself

  • Ask yourself “what can I do to change the dynamic here?”

  • Begin altering your own behaviour and observe what happens. Often it only takes one to change for the other to follow

  • Look at your partner’s behaviours that are frustrating you and ask yourself “is there anything about their behaviour that I secretly admire?” (Be honest!)

  • Look for your partner’s best intention in their behaviour. Often what is frustrating about their behaviour has benefits in other aspects of your lives

  • Talk to your partner and tell them what you admire about their behaviour. This may seem counterproductive, but people won’t change unless they first feel accepted as they are 

  • Discuss ways that you can both approach the issue differently in order to get a different result. Don’t place all the blame or responsibility on your partner

Personally I am not a believer in ‘the one’ or ‘soulmates’. The divorce courts are full of former soulmates wondering where it all went wrong. The key to a great relationship is finding someone that lights that spark within you, then continually working to keep that spark alive – through the good times and the challenging times. And no matter how great your relationship is, you will face challenging times. It’s how you work through these together as a team that will determine the strength, and, most likely, the length, of your relationship.

If you would like to know more, or would like to book a free consultation to find out how you can re-ignite your relationship, please contact Matt on 0416 211 424, or email matt@happyandhealthyrelationships.com

Julie Gargano